Failure

As the Semester 9 exams are approaching for my friends, I can actually feel the anxiety and panic attacks of what they are going through. It can be really unbearable and everything just crashes down on you.. "Oh no, I haven't studied that" or "Shit, what have I been doing for the past postings??!!" It's pretty scary to see your friends being stressed up and knowing that your turn will come. Listening to them about how scared they are about not doing well and worse still of failure. They already think of failure even before they take the exams. Some went as far as saying, "Jess, if I fail, you have to leave a room for me in Seremban so that I can stay with you" I was like, no, you won't! Just study whatever you can! Don't be so negative. I guess sometimes our friends just need some reassurance that they can get through the exams.
I still remember my own failure. It was a really hard time for me. In fact it was traumatic for me. It was Semester 7 exams and after doing all the papers and practical exams, I just have this gut feeling that i was at borderline. Seriously.. But I prayed sooooo hard that i won't get it. But i did. It was viva borderline for my OSCE. When i read my ID no on the list... everything around me kinda faded away. There was ringing in my ears and i just couldn't believe it. I mean, I kinda expected it but for reality to hit me like that was such a big blow! My close friend at that time saw my facial expression and he asked what's wrong? I just couldn't utter the words "It's me".. The viva was that day itself and I knew that I will fail just like I knew i would get bordeline. When the results were out, my housemate sent me home and i just cried and cried and cried. How was I to face and tell my parents? How can I face my friends? What am I to do? My close friends were there with me.. But it just didn't matter..
The following days were the toughest. I couldn't eat or sleep properly. I just wanted to stay to myself. I didn't wanna talk to anybody. I didn't want to join any outings or activities at all. Worse of all I had to start my semester again and I had to start the following week. I keep asking myself, why me? What did I do wrong?
Starting the semester was hard for me.. I had a new bunch of people to know. And the hardest part of it all was when they ask me why am I in their posting? The next hardest thing was watching my friends going ahead of me. I felt so alone in that situation.
One thing I learnt was there are people who are caring enough to help me through it. One was my parents and sister. Next was 3 people whom I don't really know well. The most amazing thing was I got to know my si-fu. I didn't know him that well and he readily helped me through my exams. He just came up to me and told me if I needed any help, just asked. I am so very grateful to him. I am grateful to my other friends, make no mistake about that but for a person who doesn't know me that well and offering his help is just so touching. :) Another is the guy who also didn't pass his exams but has gone through a number of failures in his life. I didn't know him at all but the sms-es on how am I doing and not to give up really meant a lot to me. It's just so facinating that someone actually care about me other than his own failure! I really respect him and admire his courage as well as his will power to carry on! One more guy was actually just a hi-bye kinda friend. He was there to talk to me and encourage me too. He helped me to see things differently and try to be positive. He is one of my closest friend now and I really appreciate his friendship. I also got to know a few other people who are also my close friends now. A guy and a gal. (You know who you are! hehe Don't get too flattered la!) I also got to know my housemate better. She's real cute and helpful! Always trying to get me out of the house when she herself antisocial!! hehe It's not so bad after all, if you have friends like these to support you through. I'm really thankful I got to know these crazy people. They light up my life! :)
Come to think of it, failure is really a traumatising event in ones' life. But to experience it was a lesson to me. It taught me that there are strangers who help with all their hearts without anything in return. It opens a new perspective of how things can happen for the better.. sometimes.. It also helped me to be brave to face a new challenge unexpectedly.